Republicanism Promotes Gayness!

Republicans are all up in arms that John Kerry mentioned what various members of the Cheney family have themselves stated in various public forums over the years: Mary Cheney is gay! Horrors! What will we tell the children?

The Cheney's "indignation" is hypocritical and actually quite sad.

Yet while Republicans in general and the Cheney's in particular are busy crying crocodile tears about Mary's lesbianism, they've got a much bigger problem on their hands. No, it's not the sanctimoniousness of tearing down the only candidate (including Mary's own father, Dick) who had the guts to speak movingly about ensuring rights for all people regardless of how God made them.

No, the problem Republicans have is that their own policies are increasing the planet's GQ. GQ, as everyone knows, is "Gayness Quotient" which is a measure of the ratio of gay to straight creatures on planet Earth.

This news will come as quite a shock to Bible thumpers who view gayness as unnatural and contrary to God's law.

And the news gets even worse for homophobic social conservatives, many of whom have always suspected that gays were on a mission to convert them. It turns out that gayness is transmitted through the water supply! And, to add final insult to inglorious injury, this gay, water-borne deluge is moving downstream right into the heart of red state America.

According to a front page story in Friday's Washington Post:

Many of the river's male bass are producing eggs.

Scientists believe this inversion of nature is being caused by pollution in the water.

Yes, that's right. The South Branch of the Potomac River has gay fish. And the causes of this perversion of nature are the very Republican policies promoted by the homophobic George Bush and his sidekick Dick.

Mary Cheney? Looks like Republicans have bigger fish to fry.

And who says God doesn't have a sense of humor? Or justice.